Realization...

Lately I had been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of different things. I've been wondering about school, and questioning whether or not I'm in the right place doing the right thing. I know my marks are really good, heck they're pretty amazing, they're not quite perferct but that's okay. You can't be perfect every time. The thing is though when I'm not perfect I'm hard on myself, even when I do perfect I'm hard on myself. I'm the kind of person that no matter how good it is I always feel like I could do better. It's enough to drive a person up the wall, and sometimes it does, and I have to just tell myself to shut the hell up. Well the other day all that self doubt didn't just drive me up the wall, it broke the car I use to drive myself there. After that the day just got worse, and worse, and the last straw was when I missed the bus, and had to walk home from work...it was the BEST thing that could have happened to me though. On the long walk home I had a chat with myself, and God (this is a touchy subject for me because I'm on the fense about believing or not so...just deal with me here for a minute) which was really odd in some sorts. I was just ranting about how life sucks, school sucks, and how I don't know what the hell God wants from me. What is it that I'm supposed to do? Where is it that I'm supposed to go from here? Where is the bloody end! I honestly just wanted to fall to the ground, and just stay there crying like a lost kid, because that's exactly how I felt...lost, lost as to what it was I should do. The more I questioned all of this the more I tried to find the answer, and I really think I found it. Everybody has a path in which they are supposed to travel (including myself) and sometimes that path is hard, and we question if we are going in the right direction, and the truth is maybe were not going in the right direction but we won't know if we don't keep moving forward. There's the idea that there's no going back, and I think that's the truth, because you already know what lies behind you, it's what's in front of you that you don't know. So though the road ahead is/can be scary as hell, and we don't always know what to expect (we can make assumptions), there is nothing that's stopping us from changing the course of that path from the desicions, and choices we make for ourselves. I've made a decision for myself though, I have no clue what the future holds, I have no idea if the choices/decisions I am making are leading me in the right direction, but they are leading me somewhere, and I'm more than positive it will take me eventually to where I am supposed to be. Right now the path that I am on is leading me to work my way into becoming a child and youth care worker. I don't know where this path will continue to take me, but I believe in this moment and time that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Whether it's for my benefit or someone else's I do not know. I realize also from all of this that no matter how hard things get, that there are things in my life, and my own inner strength and determination that are going to help me get back up, and keep moving forward, and that's exactly what I want to do. I don't want to go back, yes there are memories, and moments I'd love to relive but one thing is perfectly clear; the person I was back than, and the person I am becoming now are not the same.I love the change, and growth I see in myself, and to go back would be to be the person who I used to be, and I never want to go back there even for the sake of those moments, because I know I will always have those memories. I know i'll continue to be pushed, and tested to my limits but one thing is certain, no matter what life or god chooses to throw at me, I will always get back up, and for me....that's enough. 

p.s. I am so glad of the people I have met, and the friends I have made because they have helped me to become the person I am, and for that I will always love all of you. <3 you have definitely made my life better, and me better as a person, and hopefully...hopefully I have done the same for all of you.